Never As Bad As The Worst Thing You've Done

After listening in to Tyler Hamilton announce his retirement last Friday from the sport he still considers “beautiful,” I was quickly reminded how truly ugly the world outside the barriers could be.

“Disgraced rider Hamilton to quit”
“Tyler Hamilton retires after another positive doping test”
“Cyclist Hamilton retires, cites positive doping test”

But honestly, who can blame those that report on sport. In a world where the topic of PEDs comes up as often as Watts, Power, and V02max there is no longer any room for topics of human frailty or the examination of the human condition.

Top tier athletes are sometimes viewed with as much regard as racing horses or treated as entertainers with more consideration for how they perform rather than who they are.

And while there is the understanding that most of the headlines detailing Hamilton’s announcement were meant to draw reader interest and perhaps sell a few papers, what was frequently mentioned, but often buried in the reporting of the announcement was his ongoing battle with clinical depression. A battle that he kept well hidden since being diagnosed in 2003, and one that he never used as an excuse for (but most likely had a hand in) any of the downturns (a suspension, a divorce, dealing with his mother’s illness, and now his retirement) in his life.

Clinical depression is a serious medical illness that negatively affects how people feel, the way they think and how they act.

Individuals with clinical depression are unable to function as they used to. Often they have lost interest in activities that were once enjoyable to them, and feel sad and hopeless for extended periods of time. Clinical depression is not the same as feeling sad or depressed for a few days and then feeling better. It can affect your body, mood, thoughts, and behavior. It can change your eating habits, how you feel and think, your ability to work and study, and how you interact with people. People who suffer from clinical depression often report that they "don't feel like themselves anymore."

Depression can strike anyone regardless of age, background, socioeconomic status or gender. However, in any given year, 12% of women (nearly 12 million women) in the United States are diagnosed with depression compared to 7% of men (over 6 million men). Important questions remain about the causes underlying this gender difference and whether depression truly is less common among men, or whether men are less likely than women to recognize, acknowledge and seek treatment for depression.

Research at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) on depression awareness has shown that many men are unaware that physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain can be associated with depression. Depression in men can present itself differently than in women. Men are more likely to acknowledge fatigue, irritability, loss of interest in hobbies, sleep disturbances, and discouragement, rather than feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Men's depression is more often masked by alcohol or other drugs, or by the socially acceptable habit of working excessively long hours.

Bonnie D. Ford, special to ESPN.com, was one of the few who captured Hamilton’s battle in and out of the shadows and the dispiriting nature of the news that he had once again tested positive.

His teammate and frequent race roommate Mike Creed said Hamilton never lost his outwardly generous, people-pleasing nature. But Creed also noticed when Hamilton's partying veered from ordinary steam-venting to something more ominous. "He was drinking to turn his brain off," said the 28-year-old American rider. "You could tell there was a weight. He wasn't comfortable unless he was raging drunk.

"I hope people get big-picture about this and see that it's a tragedy," Creed said Friday. "I talked to him this morning, and I told him I hope he finds the peace he's looking for. You're never as good as the best thing you've done, and you're never as bad as the worst thing you've done."

Perhaps some people were afraid to tackle the issues in what many still consider as a “soft” science. But as some modern medical practitioners are sometimes criticized for treating symptoms rather than the person, it is quite evident that the same can be said for the focus of most sports reporters.

More: Samuel Abt (NYT) - Hamilton’s Confession Raises Questions

Photo: Leonard Basobas